Snape Loses It
by Padfoot's Blondie
Summary: When Harry accidentally casts a personality-altering spell on Snape, everything goes completely insane. And not in a good way. T for language


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Enjoy!**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, ready to learn.

Well, Hermione was ready to learn. Harry and Ron would rather crap out their eyeballs than learn, but that was beside the point.

The point is, when they walked in, Professor Moody wasn't sitting at the desk. Snape was.

"Excuse me Professor but I couldn't help but notice your extraordinary misplacement. Were you aware that you were in the complete wrong part of the castle, or is that just the drugs finally talking?" Ron asked.

"Detention, Weasley," Snape said, casting the Killing Curse at Ron, who thankfully avoided it somehow and immediately scampered out of the room.

"Bloody wimp," Harry whispered to Hermione. "Can't even take a measly little hex."

"Harry it was the killing curse!" Hermione exclaimed, scandalized. 

"So?" Harry asked, unimpressed. Hermione just sighed and rolled her eyes.

"TODAY," Snape thundered, causing everyone to jump and fall perfectly in their seats as one uniform movement. "We will be learning how to severely alter someone's mentality. Although this will not help you in life in the slightest, it will most likely make for an entertaining lesson in which Longbottom will hopefully screw something up and put us out of our misery once and for all." 

Neville whimpered. Harry glared at him till he stopped.

"The incantation is '_Muto Mens_'. If you are not able to perform the spell correctly by the end of today, you will be expelled. Proceed."

And so the class proceeded. Everyone failed to perform the incantation, so they were all expelled. Except Harry, who just kept trying long after the class was over.

_I WILL do this,_ Harry thought. _One more try._ And with that, Harry waved his wand as hard as he could not even watching the direction, and shouted the incantation for all he was worth.

Fortunately, the spell worked, as jets of rainbow light came shooting from his wand at the speed of light. Unfortunately, they all hit Snape, who immediately stiffened. He fell over onto the floor and started growling.

Harry, scared out of his mind, slowly crept over to his Potions professor. "Professor?" He asked quietly, his voice trembling slightly.

Snape made no visible reaction, now curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth very quickly.

Harry got closer and closer till he was finally right next to Snape. Very cautiously, he poked his professor gently in the middle of the forehead with the tip of his wand.

As if hit with an electrical shock, Snape instantaneously leapt up and into athletic position and shouted something that caused Harry to be thrown fifteen feet backwards in the air.

Harry quickly clambered to his feet, as Snape looked highly unstable and seemed as though he was about to start a gang fight.

Harry moved an inch closer veeeerryyyyyy slowly. "Professor?" He asked again shakily.

Snape sneered at him. "That's 'Satan's Asscrack' to you," he spat menacingly.

Harry gaped. "Pro- _Professor?_"

Snape leered at Harry. "Yes, that's right boy. You've not seen the things I've seen, the things I've _done_."

Harry nodded, freaked out of his mind. "You're absolutely right, Professor. Maybe if we just get Professor Dumbledore, you can tell him all about those things."

But Snape seemed to almost have a fit at these words. "I WOULDN'T GO TO DUMBLEDORE IF HE WAS THE LAST MAN ON EARTH! HE SCREWED ME OVER TEN YEARS AGO AND I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT!"

Harry's brow furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about sir?"

Snape sighed, looking as though he was about to cry. "He stole all my clients. AND my top hat and my floor-length raccoon fur coat and my cane and my gloves and pipe AND purple dragon-hide boots." Snape started weeping.

Harry panicked, walking over to his professor. "Shh, just sit down," he said, leading Snape to a chair, who sat down heavily. "Why would Dumbledore want to steal your stuff?"

"Because I used to be the one. The man in charge." Snape's eyes got a faraway look, and he was suddenly seeing things that Harry wasn't. He looked around him, eyes unseeingly witnessing wild things, while Harry looked on in horror.

All of a sudden, Snape shot out of the chair and threw his arms up. "I USED TO RUN THIS SHIT!" He shrieked in despair. Harry looked around.

"Professor, this is an empty classroom," Harry said desperately. "What did you run?"

"A brothel-ish type thing," Snape said noncommittally, arms still thrown up in the air. Harry hurried over and tried to tug down Snape's arms. They wouldn't budge.

Harry was really starting to worry. "Professor, why don't you take this up with Dumbledore? I'm sure it would be a most illuminating conversation for both of you that would clear a lot of things up."

Snape looked at him for a solid four minutes then turned and headed for the door, robes billowing importantly and hair swishing greasily around his face. "An excellent idea, young grasshopper," he said, swishing his robes around as he trotted out of the classroom.

Harry stared after him. "Oh Merlin, what have I done?" He whimpered helplessly, and followed Snape out into the corridor.

But Snape wasn't there. All that was there was a black bat flying around.

"PROFESSOR!" Harry screeched.

The bat immediately turned into Snape, who fell in a heap on the floor and immediately started giggling. Harry rushed over and hoisted him up by his armpits, Snape hanging as limply as a rag doll.

"Jesus, you weigh a ton, gotta carry around bricks in your damn pockets," Harry grumbled to himself, trying to support Snape's weight.

Harry propped his professor up in an alcove and slapped his face lightly. Snape spluttered a little and focused his eyes. Somewhat.

"Snape, are you an Animagus?" Harry asked seriously.

"NO I am NOT." Snape said emphatically, not sounding completely in his right mind. 

Harry lost it a little. "THEN WHY WERE YOU JUST A FRIGGIN BAT?" He bellowed in Snape's ear.

Snape shouted back. "I DON'T KNOW POTTER!" 

Harry was angry now. "WELL I WANT TO KNOW!"

Snape laughed maniacally in his face, but all of a sudden started weeping again. "I don't know Potter, I just don't know, one minute the floor was there and the next it was gone and I was floating and it was so nice and I thought I could play chase my own tail but it wasn't a tail, it was a ghost so I floated through the ghost who offered me a special potion-" Snape broke off, sobbing. Harry rolled his eyes and heaved his professor onto his shoulder.

"Too bloody young for this," he grumbled to himself as he all but carried Snape all the way up to Dumbledore's office, where he waited outside for fifteen bloody minutes because the gargoyle was having a bad day and felt like venting all his problems.

That was taken care of however when Snape out of nowhere let out a bloodcurdling screech, causing the marble itself of the gargoyle to shatter into a million pieces, leaving Harry and Snape to safely trudge up the circling staircase.

When they finally got to the door, Harry pounded on it as hard as he could with Snape's head, as he couldn't free his hands or Snape would go tumbling down the staircase and possibly lose his mind (well more than he already had).

Dumbledore's door opened of its own accord. 

"WHOA, MAGIC!" Snape shouted, stealing Harry's wand and waving it around, vanishing Harry's left eyebrow and all of his own clothes.

"AURUHGHGHGHHGGH!" Harry howled, throwing Snape as far away as he could while simultaneously stealing his wand out of Snape's surprisingly strong grip. Before he could cast the binding spell on Snape or at least give him some clothes, Snape had rolled off down some inconveniently placed stairs in Dumbledore's lair that Harry was quite sure led to a balcony.

"Ah, shite," Harry muttered, pulling at his hair in distress.

At that moment, Dumbledore came down the stairs from the opposite direction.

"Ah, I thought I heard multiple explosions and many screams of pain and distress. Naturally, you were the first person that popped into my mind, young Harry, " Dumbledore said delightedly.

This admittedly threw Harry. "Really? That makes you think of me first and not like, oh I don't know, VOLDEMORT?"

Dumblodore shrugged. "He's not as bad as people make him out to be."

"HE KILLED MY PARENTS, YOU DODGY OLD COOT!" 

Dumbledore chuckled and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Dear Harry, no need to get all worked up."

"_All worked up-_ you're right Professor. I have a problem. With, ah, Professor Snape."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, politely waiting. 

"He's, erm, currently rolling around your office probably naked and, erm, not exactly in his right mind," Harry said, cringing.

"Hmm," Dumbledore said, steepling his fingers together thoughtfully. "Hmmmm."

"HMMM?" Harry yelled. "SNAPE IS PROBABLY ROLLING RIGHT OFF THE TOP TOWER IN THE SCHOOL STARKERS AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS _HMMM?"_

"Hmmm," Dumbledore said. Harry threw up his hands in exasperation and Stunned Dumbledore. Not that he would be any help anyway.

After Harry had dragged Dumbledore's body off and hidden it in a closet nearby, he set off on finding Snape. He Summoned the Marauder's map from Gryffindor tower, and it got to him twenty minutes later.

Grumbling about the wait, Harry unfolded the map and searched valiantly for Snape.

He found him, sure enough, on the tip of the highest tower of Hogwarts castle, teetering precariously.

"Christ, should've been a bloody Seer," Harry muttered as he sprinted to the tower that Snape was currently standing on. Completely naked.

When he finally arrived, he stuck his head out the window and twisted his head up to look at Snape. And gagged.

"_Vesti_," He said waving his wand somewhere in Snape's general direction. He made a mental note to bleach his brain and Scourgify his eyeballs many times later.

Now that Snape was once again clothed again, he started flapping his robes around, a bit like a crazy bird. This however made him wobble even more, and he almost overbalanced.

"Professor, please stop moving!" Harry called desperately.

Snape paid no attention.

Harry sighed impatiently, squeezing his eye shut. "Satan's Asscrack!" He called. Snape stopped flapping and looked down at him expectantly.

"Please come down from there," he begged.

Snape at once turned into a bat, flew down in through the window, and changed back into Snape right next to Harry, causing Harry to overbalance and fall out the window.

"HOLY SHIT!" Harry screeched at the top of his lungs. The neck of his cloak had caught on the windowsill and was currently the only thing keeping him alive. He heard Snape shrieking helplessly from somewhere above and behind him, and knew he wouldn't be of any help whatsoever.

Harry somehow retrieved his wand and Summoned his Firebolt. Sure, it took twenty minutes once again, but he got on his broom, managed to unhook his cloak, and turned around and tried to fly back into the school.

However, as soon as Snape saw the broom, he started jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

"SNAPE FLY! SNAPE FLY ON BROOMSTICK!" And with that, Snape jumped clear out the window, aiming for the broom and failing miserably. Harry sped down after him, catching him about fifty yards later, and heaved him up behind him on the broom.

"STAY THERE. DO NOT MOVE." He shouted at Snape.

"Where are we going?" Snape asked giddily.

Harry rolled his eyes. "On an adventure through Narnia. Now shut your bloody trap." 

"Yeahhh!" Snape cheered. "Let's go rack some ass!" 

Harry gagged again. "Please, never say that again. I don't know what that means, and I do not want to."

Finally, Harry arrived at his desired destination: directly outside McGonagall's office window. Naturally, she saw them, proceeded to throw a fit, managed to snap her wand clean in half, repair it, then open the window and let them inside.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S BEARD IS GOING ON HERE?" McGonagall thundered.

"How bout _them_ apples?" Snape said, leering at McGonagall.

McGonagall gaped at him, and Harry almost started crying.

He covered his ears. "I'm to young to be hearing stuff like this! Professor, make him shut up! Please!"

McGonagall looked at him, then Silenced Snape, who was now whistling.

"Potter, what is going on here?"

Harry gulped. "I accidentally hit him with a personality altering spell in Defense Against the Dark Arts and he's been this way ever since!"

McGonagall sighed. "There's only one way to cure this," she said forlornly.

Harry gasped. "The killing curse?" He whispered with fear.

She shook her head. "No. Something much worse. Something that might actually kill him."

Harry was befuddled. "If it's not the killing curse **then** what could be that bad?" 

McGonagall threw him a hopeless face. "_Scourgify_," She whispered.

Harry looked at Snape and his greasy hair. "You're right. It may kill him. But why's scourgify the counter curse?"

McGonagall shrugged. "To clean out the brain, I assume. I'm afraid it will also clean his hair, which could cause him to go into shock."

Both thought for a minute, contemplating Snape. Harry un-silenced him.

"-DARE YOU SILENCE ME, YOU UNGRATEFULL LITTLE-"

"_SCOURGIFY!"_ Harry and McGonagall both shouted at the same time. The force of the cleanliness threw Snape backwards several feet.

Unfortunately, the spell backfired for some unexplainable reason, leaving Snape much more greasy and messed up than before.

Harry and McGonagall looked at each other in fear as Snape slowly rose up. What was he going to do?

Then, Snape asked, in his usual foul-tempered voice, "What the bloody hell happened here? And why does my hair look so good?" He said, catching sight of his now extremely greasy hair in a mirror on the wall. 

Harry stared at him, stared at the ceiling, and then stared at McGonagall. "I better be getting an Order of Merlin First Bloody Class for this," he said, and walked out of the classroom. Un-bloody-believable.

**Lol, I had so much fun writing this. Please review!**


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